1: taboo
It shouldn’t be taboo, the topic of rape.
With silence comes misunderstanding. The victims hide it, internalizing it into their psyche, feeling ashamed and guilty, as if they caused it or deserved it, this thing that happened to them. And the rest of the world ignores it. They don’t know how to react when the issue comes up. And when they do have to deal with it — perhaps because their sister or girlfriend or daughter got raped — they deal with it the wrong way. Without experience, their concern for the victim boils into insensitive words, sending the wrong messages to these already traumatized women.
And that — when you say the wrong thing to a woman who was raped — is dangerous. It’s called secondary wounding; in essence, you’re contributing to the victim’s trauma and pain, ensuring her slow recovery. If she’s lucky to recover at all.
Support Is the Solution
What she needs is support. But when she doesn’t get that, she takes it in the hurtful words, instead, and she tries to shut out the memory of rape. She tries to erase the fact that it ever happened. When symptoms of her neglected trauma arise later, she interprets them as herself being crazy. She isn’t crazy — she’s only living trauma — but without being able to talk about it, she cannot know that. Instead, she goes on for years blaming herself, punishing herself, hurting and isolating herself.
Without talking about it, we all cannot heal from it. Victims cannot become survivors, and society cannot begin to treat it like what it, in truth, is: a traumatizing act caused by men who seek power, an act so prevalent in our society and so ignored too.
That’s why I believe that we must talk about it. We have to bring it out into the open, discuss it, understand it. That way, we arm ourselves to deal with it when the time comes. And we prepare to help the women we care about deal with it. And by being prepared, we form a wide human net of support that not only educates generations and helps keeps women safe but also keeps men from continuing to do it. Because as long as they know they can get away because it’s so easy to get away with it … they will.
My Story
I am 23 years old, 24 next month, and I was raped at 18. I’m wondering why it took me six years to start dealing with it. And I understand why. But I cannot fathom why it had to be this way. Why, as a society, we still haven’t addressed it as it needs to be addressed.
My parents still don’t know. Some of the people I told were not receptive. And when it comes to love, and it’s time to confess it to the guy I’m seeing, I’ve noticed that some guys still don’t want to address it, because “I cannot help you.”
I may be a mom someday, and if I am, I’d want to be the first to know my daughter was raped. I wouldn’t want to hear it from a friend or counselor. I’d want her to tell me. To not be afraid to come home crying and tell me, “Mom, he raped me.” But she would only do that if she knew that it happens, and when it does, it’s not the woman’s fault. And I know that she would only come and tell me if she trusted that I was educated enough about it to tell her, “I’m so sorry, honey. Together, we’ll get through this.” And unfortunately, most men and women wouldn’t say that.
In the next few posts, I will talk about my own experiences with rape. I will discuss the psyche during rape and afterward, and what I feel (and have learned) is important for recovery. I encourage you to share your stories too, as well as your thoughts and opinions.
Tags: ashamed, blame, daughter, girlfriend, guilt, guilty, internalizing, misunderstanding, mom, prevalent, psyche, rape, sad, secondary wounding, society, support, survivor, taboo, victim, wife, years
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